The Colonists Read online

are the only ones who can givehim a desire to remain, if anyone can."

  Roddy's hate for Serrengia was greater than any desire they could inducein him to live. With ease, he conquered all the miracle drugs Dr. Babbitlavished from the colony's restricted store. He died on the sixth nightafter Boggs' visit.

  * * * * *

  The funeral was held in the little community church built when thecolonists first laid out Maintown. Mark and Bonnie Jorden were almostoblivious to the words spoken over the body of Roddy by the ReverendWagner, who had come as the colonists' spiritual adviser.

  Bonnie's hands were folded on her lap, and she kept her eyes downthroughout the service. She was aware of the agony within Mark Jorden.It was a real agony, and its strength almost frightened her, for she hadnever before seen such a response in any man who had gone through thetest this far. They were men concerned only with themselves, incapableof the love that Jorden could feel for a son.

  He reached out and took one of her hands in his own. She could feel theemotion within him, the tightening and trembling of his big,hard-muscled arm.

  Ashby was watching. Over the private communication system that linkedthem he murmured, "Cry, Bonnie! Make it real. Make him hate himself andeverything he's done since he decided to become a colonist--if you can!This is where we've got to find out whether he can crack or not--andwhy."

  "You can't break him," said Bonnie. "He's the strongest man I've everknown. If you find his breaking point it will be when you destroy himutterly. You've got to quit before you reach that point!"

  "All that we've done will be useless if we quit now, Bonnie. Just a fewmore hours and then it will all be over--"

  As if his words had touched a hidden trigger, she did begin to cry witha deep but almost inaudible sound and a heavy movement of her shoulders.Mark Jorden put his arm about her as if to force away her grief.

  "I _know_, Bonnie," said Ashby softly. "I can see in your face what'shappened to you. It's going to be all right. Everything doesn't end foryou when the test is over."

  "Oh, shut up!" said Bonnie in a sudden rage that made her tears comefaster. "If I ever work on another of your damned experiments it will bewhen I've lost my senses entirely! You don't know what this does topeople. I didn't know either--because I didn't care. But now I know--"

  "You know that no harm results after we've erased and corrected allinadequate reactions at the end of the test. You're letting yourfeelings cover up your full awareness of what we're doing."

  "Yes, and I suppose that when it's over I had better submit to a littleerasing myself. Then Bonnie can go back to work as a little iced steelprobe for some more of your guinea pigs!"

  "Bonnie--!"

  She made no answer to Ashby, but lay her head on Jorden's shoulder whileher sobbing subsided. How did it happen? she asked herself. It wasn'tanything she had wanted. It had just happened. It had happened thatfirst day when he came in from the field at the beginning of theexperiment with all of the planted background that made him think he wasmeeting Bonnie for the thousandth time instead of the first.

  She was supposed to be an actress and receive his husbandly kiss withall the skilled mimicry that made her so valuable to the lab. But ithadn't been like that. She had played sister, mother, daughter, wife--ahundred roles to as many other tested applicants. For the first time shesaw one as a human being instead of a sociological specimen. That's theway it was when she met Mark Jorden.

  There was no answer to it, she thought bitterly as she rested her faceagainst his shoulder. Ashby was right--just a few more hours and itwould all be over. All Jorden's feeling for her as his wife was inducedby the postulates of the test, just as were his feelings for Roddy. Hissubjective reactions were real enough, but they would vanish when theirstimulus was removed with the test postulates. He would look upon therestored Roddy as just another little boy--and upon Bonnie, the Doctorin Sociology, as just another misemployed female.

  She raised her head and dried her eyes as she sensed that the servicewas ending. Actually, Ashby was right, of course. They had to go on, andthe sooner it came to an end the better it would be for her. She _would_submit to alteration of her own personal data after the test, shethought. She would let them erase all feelings and sentiments she heldfor Mark Jorden, and then she would be as good as new. After all, if asociologist couldn't handle his own reactions in a situation of thiskind he wasn't of much value in his profession!

  * * * * *

  The sun was hot as they returned from the little burial ground near thechurch. There were quite a number of other graves besides Roddy's, buthis was the loneliest, Jorden thought. He had never forgiven them forrobbing him of his home and the only world in which he could live.

  He felt the growing coldness of Bonnie as they came up to their shabbycabin that had once looked so brave to him. Serrengia had cost himBonnie, too. Even before Roddy. She had remained only because it was herduty.

  He took her hand as she put a foot on the doorstep. "Bonnie--"

  She looked at him bitterly, her eyes searching his face as if to findsomething of the quality that once drew her to him. "Don't try to sayit, Mark--there's nothing left to say."

  He let her go, and the two children followed past him into the house. Hesat down on the step and looked out over the fields that edged the riverbank. His mind felt numbed by Roddy's passing. Bonnie's insistent blamemade him live it over and over again.

  The light from the green of the fields was like a caress to his eyes. Ishould hate it, he thought. I should hate the whole damned planet forwhat it's taken from me. But that's not right--Serrengia hasn't takenanything. It's only that Bonnie and I can't live in the same world, orlive the same kind of lives. Roddy was like her. But I didn't know then.I didn't know how either of them were.

  We have to go on. There's no going back. Maybe if I'd known, I wouldhave made it different for all of us. I can't now, and it would be crazyto start hating Serrengia for the faults that are in us. Who could doanything but love this fresh, wild planet of ours--?

  He ought to go down and take a look at the field, he thought. He rose togo in and tell Bonnie. The crops hadn't had water since Roddy took sick.

  He found Bonnie in the bedroom with the drawers of their cabinets openand their trunk in the middle of the floor, its lid thrown back. Clotheslay strewn on the bed.

  He felt a slow tightening of his scalp and of the skin along the back ofhis neck. "Bonnie--"

  She straightened and looked into his face with cold, distant eyes. "I'mpacking, Mark," she said. "I'm leaving. I'm going home. The girls aregoing with me. You can stay until they dig your grave beside Roddy's,but I'm going home."

  Jorden's face went white. He strode forward and caught her by the arms."Bonnie--you know there's no way to go home. There won't be a ship forsix years. This is home, Bonnie. There's no other place to go."

  For a moment the set expression of her face seemed to melt. She frownedas if he had told her some mystery she could not fathom. Then hercountenance cleared and its blank determination returned. "I'm goinghome," she repeated. "You can't stop me. I've done all a wife can beexpected to do. I've given my son as the price of your foolishness. Youcan't ask for more."

  He had to get out. He felt that if he remained another instant just thensomething inside him would explode under the pressure of his grief. Hewent to the front door and stood leaning against it while he looked overthe landscape that almost seemed to reach out for him in hate as it hadfor Roddy. So you want her, too! he cried inside himself.

  Alice came up and tugged at his hand as he stood there. "What's thematter, Daddy? What's the matter with Mama?"

  He bent down and kissed her on the forehead. "Nothing, honey. You go andplay for a moment while I help Mother."

  "I want to help, too!"

  "Please, Alice--"

  He moved back to the bedroom. Bonnie was carefully examining each itemof apparel she packed in the big trunk. She didn't look up as he camein
.

  "Bonnie," he said in a low voice, "are you going to leave me?"

  She put down the dress she was holding and looked up at him. "Yes I'mleaving you," she said. "You've got what you wanted--all you've everwanted." She looked out towards the fields, shimmering in the heat ofthe day.

  "That's not true, Bonnie. You know it isn't. I've always loved you andneeded you, and it's grown greater every hour we've been together."

  "Then you'll have to prove it! Give up this hell-world you want us tocall home, and give us